Interrobang: The Soap Opera

Interrobang: The Soap Opera

April 2006

“I know those dogs! I know this baby! Hello!!!” the woman chirped excitedly, quickening her steps and looking at my child in the stroller with delight in her eyes. As her gaze shifted to me, she queried “Are you the new nanny?”
In an instant, my body learned the meaning of the idiom to be “taken aback” because I physically recoiled and heard myself say “These are my dogs, and this is my baby.”
“No they’re not!” she laughed good-naturedly. “This is Duke and Ethel and River, I see them at the park all the time with their parents.”
The sound of the blood rushing in my ears distorted the sound of my voice as I once again had the strange sensation of hearing myself speak, while not entirely feeling the words leave my mouth. “Well, this is Duke and Ethel and River, but I am their Mom. My husband is – ”
“Garrett!” she interrupted, the pitch of her voice rising.
“Yes.”
After a moment of confusion, her expression changed to panic so abruptly that I swear I heard a switch flip.
“Oh no! I have to tell you! Your husband is at the park every day with Duke and Ethel and River and – “
It was my turn to interrupt.
“Our friend Anna. It’s OK, I know, she’s been going over sometimes to help him during the day when I’m at school. I’ve finished my degree now so I’m home. It’s fine.”
“I don’t think you understand, it’s not fine! He’s short, right? Garrett? We’re talking about the same guy? Garrett who owns Duke and Ethel! The girl he’s with every day is a real skyscraper! Oh my God! Am I exposing an affair?! I am!!” she shrieked.
River looked up at me quizzically, as did my dogs.
“It’s really OK, please don’t worry. That’s our friend Anna” I reassured her, while my mind twisted in chaotic spirals, trying to make sense of her intense display of emotion.
“They go to the park every day and pass themselves off as a married couple. They do not act like they are just friends. She pushes the stroller and they chat with all the parents as though they are a family. Oh my God! I’m exposing an affair! I feel like I’m on a soap opera!”
At this point she was so escalated that all I could focus on was the visceral panic that was rolling off of her and hitting me like a tsunami. I kept my head above water and in a very calm voice I heard myself say “Please don’t feel badly. I’m sure that nothing is going on, they’re probably just being silly. It’s really fine, everything is OK. I promise.”
Once she was calm enough to move on, she apologized again and continued down the pathway, uttering apologies and exclamations as she receded into the distance. When she was out of sight I returned to my body and had the sensation of lava flowing up from my gut into my chest. It sat heavily on my diaphragm and I tried to breathe through the swirling red landscape of my mind. When I was finally able to see my surroundings again, my train of thought took off like a Shinkansen.
…no I won’t ask her not to let River dump drinks in the tray, don’t be so ungrateful. I don’t think you realize how stressful it is for me, I have to get Anna here so that I can walk the dogs and shower before I go to work and she’s doing us a big favour by sitting at the store with River until you can get there. I don’t have a minute to myself ever….
Right. Poor him. Two eight hour shifts at a coffee shop every week, the strain of which he likened to the crushing burden of Atlas holding up the world. This while I was carting around a breast pump so I could pump breast milk for our baby every three hours while I did my teaching degree and practicums. Thankfully, that was over, and I could start looking for work.
With shallow breath I arrived at the coffee shop and ordered an iced tea. The husk of my husband glared at me with hatred that felt perfectly normal as he joined me for the walk home. I recounted the events that had just transpired on the pathway as calmly as I could, asking him why he had lied about walking the dogs alone while she stayed at home with River, as it didn’t really seem worth lying about. Little random lies for no reason were the norm. He burst out laughing, and then looked at me with a sneer.
“Why the hell do I have to tell you every little detail? One day she decided to come for the walk, so now she’s coming earlier so we can hang out. It’s not a big deal.”
“Every day?” I asked. “You only work twice a week.”
He completely ignored that, and continued “One day someone assumed we were a family and we thought it was funny, so now we pretend we’re married and play it up. You’re being a psycho.” he accused, that smirk still on his face.
“You’re telling me that if you were me you would laugh at this? I’m feeling pretty furious, and like it’s pretty rational for me to be angry.” I tried to keep my voice even tempered, smooth, and viscous as honey so that my tone would wash over my baby and not slam fear into his little body. That woman had been upset enough for both of us, and I didn’t want River absorbing additional anxiety.
Garrett didn’t answer. We continued the walk home in silence, the serenity of my outer expression so disconnected from the violent speed of the runaway train of my mind that I knew I was two separate entities. I could not remain functional if I added up the thousand paper cuts of his constant lies, which had been present in our relationship from the very beginning. I tucked them away where I thought they couldn’t touch me, not realizing that the rift between my rational mind and emotional mind was not something I could bend to my will, at least not forever.