The Summer of 70 Books

Monday, March 25, 2024

The Summer of 70 Books

During the summer of 2021, my mental health had declined to the point that I finally realized that I was severely suicidal and needed to go on some meds. One of the things I was doing to avoid facing how I was really feeling was to read. It has always been an escape from life for me, and I really needed an escape. I spent the summer in bed with my cat on my lap, reading and panicking to the point that my bed has not felt like a safe place for a very long time. Due to some unforeseen life circumstances I had to get rid of my cat and being in my bed without her made me feel way too empty. I recently donated the bed to a refugee family because I couldn’t face the reminder of how terrible things have been, and how close I was to ending my life.

I was reading compulsively to escape stressful situations in my life, and to stop my brain from constantly running the ultimate escape narrative. People have always commented on how much I read, assuming that it’s a good thing, but often it really isn’t. Or is it? I think it’s an attempt to lock down other, more negative, compulsions.

I decided to make a list of my reads as a reminder to me that I really didn’t want to die, even though my brain was on fire with suicidal thoughts. I was trying so hard to escape from them rather than to succumb; I never thought that it was as bad as it was and I don’t ever want to be in that place again. 

Vonnegut, Kurt. Slapstick

Clarke, Arthur C. Rendezvous With Rama

Vonnegut, Kurt. Slaughterhouse Five

Vonnegut, Kurt. Player Piano

Vonnegut, Kurt. Galapagos

Vonnegut, Kurt. Bluebeard

Vonnegut, Kurt. Mother Night

Vonnegut, Kurt. Timequake

Vonnegut, Kurt. Bagombo Snuff Box

Braithwaite, Oyinkan. My Sister the Serial Killer

Karr, Mary. Tropic of Squalor

Grace, Laura Jane. Tranny

Brown, Brene. The Gifts of Imperfection

Knox, Rowan Jette. Love Lives Here

Frankel, Laurie. This Is How It Always Is

Burke, Tarana & Brown, Brene. You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience

Brown, Brene. Daring Greatly

Owens, Delia. Where the Crawdads Sing

Murakami, Haruki. First Person Singular

Murakami, Haruki. Dance Dance Dance

Murakami, Haruki. A Wild Sheep Chase

Dick, Philip K. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

Dick, Philip K. The Crack in Space

Murakami, Haruki. Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World

Murakami, Haruki. Kafka on the Shore

Murakami, Haruki. Blind Willow Sleeping Woman

Brown, Brene. I Thought it was Just Me

Bayron, Kalynn. Cinderella is Dead

Jost, Colin. A Very Punchable Face

Peterson, Cassandra. Yours Cruelly, Elvira: Memoirs of the Mistress of the Dark

Penny, Louise. The Madness of Crowds

Silberman, Steve. Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity

Doyle, Glennon. Untamed

Mate, Gabor. When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress

Clarke, Arthur C. Childhood’s End

van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Adams, Douglas. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (full series, multiple books)

Penny, Louise & Rodham Clinton, Hillary. State of Terror

King, Thomas. Deep House

Rothschild, Babette. The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment

Luskin, Fred. Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness

Orwell, George. 1984

Block, Lawrence. Eight Million Ways to Die

Backman, Fredrik. A Man Called Ove

Backman, Fredrik. Beartown

Backman, Fredrik. Anxious People

Haig, Matt. The Midnight Library

Jenkins Reid, Taylor. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

Hayes, Terrance. 77 Fragments of a Familiar Ruin

King, Thomas. Cold Skies

King, Thomas. A Matter of Malice

King, Thomas. Dreadful Water

King, Thomas. The Red Power Murders

King, Thomas. Obsidian

Trejo, Danny. Trejo

Gladwell, Malcolm. The Bomber Mafia

Steinem, Gloria. The Truth Will Set You Free but First it Will Piss You Off

Didion, Joan. Let Me Tell You What I Mean

Kaur, Rupi. Milk and Honey

Kaur, Rupi. Home Body

Kaur, Rupi. The Sun and Her Flowers

Miller, Arthur. Death of a Salesman

Plath, Sylvia. The Bell Jar

King, Thomas. Back of the Turtle

Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat, Pray, Love

Oliver, Mary. New and Selected Poems

Sacks, Oliver. Everything in Its Place: First Loves and Last Tales

Lawson, Jenny. Broken

McCarthy, Cormack. Child of God

Toews, Miriam. Fight Night

Hayes, Terrance. American Sonnets

Johnson, George M. All Boys Aren’t Blue

Vonnegut, Kurt. Jailbird

King, Thomas. Sufferance

Batuman, Elif. The Idiot

Jenkins Reid, Taylor. Daisy Jones and the Six

Being an overthinker is not fun. Reading so much is an attempt to silence the running narrative in my brain and replace it with a good story. Stories have saved my life, time and again, both literally and figuratively. I am happy to be in a much better state of mind now, but I can never let myself forget how easy it is to avoid really important feelings. My brain and my heart are in a constant battle, and I overstimulate my mind so that I won’t have to feel. I hope that I am able to overcome that someday so that I can enjoy literature in a more positive way. I know that sounds super nerdy, but it’s a truth I can’t ignore. I need to manage my reading habit the way I need to manage my alcohol intake when I know I am drinking too much. 

One thing I would like to do with this blog is to write reaction pieces to the books that are important to me. I think that my next list will be a list of my comfort reads, books that I have read repeatedly throughout my life. I often wonder which books have been important to my loved ones and I always wonder what other people read and why. I would love to hear about them, if you don’t mind sharing.