On Parenting a Transgender Child

On Parenting a Transgender Child

February 4, 2024

The original intention for this blog was to present brief snapshots of my life that I thought would help others who might be experiencing similar issues. Parenting my child has been a journey that I never expected, and I knew when I decided to become a mom that I should expect the unexpected. I just didn’t think that life would throw quite so many corkscrews.  

The rough categories I planned to write about were marriage and divorce, mental health, coping with chronic pain and concussion issues while working full time, and parenting. Parenting in itself would have several subcategories, such as almost losing your baby to a congenital birth defect, parenting with an emotionally abusive spouse, parenting a child who has a rare disease as well as chronic GI and mental health issues, having family services intervene when your child is being abused by the other parent, parenting a gifted hyperactive child, single-parenting as a working mom, parenting a transgender child, and the very complex grief that accompanies all of the above. The transgender piece was meant to be one of a dozen things to potentially write about and not the main focus. 

It is apparent to me now that I must share the stories about our transgender journey first and foremost, as our provincial government has proposed some legislation that is deeply problematic. It is not hyperbole to state that this is a matter of life and death.  

When my child first came out as trans, I did not react well internally. At all. I didn’t tell any friends or family because my child didn’t want me to, but frankly I was relieved because I had no idea what I would say. I was having nightmares that my child would turn into a serial killer like that guy in Silence of the Lambs, I was fighting a sense of disgust in my gut that I did not know the origin of, and the guilt was eating me alive. For several months, I told nobody and took my child to see the doctor in hopes that he could find some physical reason such as pernicious anemia (which is possible due to the health issues) that might explain why my child had lost its mind. I drank way more than I should and awoke several times a night in a panic that my child would be the victim of a hate crime. Sometimes I would have this inner fury that my child was jumping on the bandwagon because it had met trans people at school and learned about it in sex ed. 

I should mention that I am a teacher. I have taught sex ed at almost all grade levels. I knew better than to believe the thoughts I was having; in fact I’d had trans kids in my classes before and volunteered to help with our GSA. I thought I was well educated on the topic, considered myself an ally, and could not figure out why I was having such an intense reaction to my child coming out. I felt like a huge hypocrite and went down a very dark path of self-hatred and despair. One day I had a thought that punched me in the gut so hard that I couldn’t breathe. If I, a progressive teacher who believed in rights and equality for all human beings, was having such a dark reaction to my child coming out, how must it be for people who do not share my values?

 If I had to categorize my beliefs, I would say that I am an Atheist Humanist, but I was raised Catholic and through marriage became family with people who are very conservative and religious. The type of religious that takes the Bible as literal truth. I thought about how they would feel if they were in my shoes, worrying about their child going to literal hell on top of what I was feeling. I felt a sudden, intense empathy for people I previously thought of as terrible, misguided people. 

Somehow this realization jolted me into action, because I realized just how much work there was to do if someone like me could have such a horrible reaction to their child coming out. I had been trying to say all the right things to my child but found myself arguing with it about its own identity. For every supportive thing I said, there would be five terrible things that I didn’t even realize were terrible until well after the fact. It was one of the most difficult and isolating times of my life.  

I have always believed that the answer to any problem that I was having was education, so I set out to learn what I could. I read as much as possible about transgender issues. I read memoirs by trans people from different walks of life. I watched documentaries by trans people about their experiences as humans walking this planet and their treatment over the years at the hands of the media. I realized that I had a ton of internalized transphobia and made a promise to myself to undo as much of it as possible in order to do right by my child, my students, and myself. The shame I felt at the realization that I had so much internalized transphobia was both paralyzing and motivating. I could not understand it. That may have been the biggest interrobang moment of my life.  

I plan to share some stories about our journey that illustrate how harmful the proposed legislation will be to families that are navigating an incredibly complex and vulnerable time in their lives. I want people to know that they are not horrible humans if they react badly when their child comes out, it’s what you choose to do about it that determines the best outcome for you, your family, and your child. Being shamed only serves to drive people apart and alienate us when we need community and the courage to face the ever changing landscape of our lives. Education is always the key, and there are so many people and supportive organizations that have quite literally saved us. I just hope that all trans kids live long enough to be able to access them, and that other families will not have to go through some of the horrors that we have endured. 

More to come. In the meantime, please know that you are loved, you matter, and like any other marginalized group in our world, trans rights are human rights.